good enough

Alex was upset that I took off with Adam on Thursday. I suppose I could have predicted as much, had I thought about it more. During our talk that revealed this, he also said I was a terrifying drunk because I am without limits or boundaries of any kind, self-imposed or otherwise.

This conversation made me feel really bad that I’d made him worry. It made me feel defensive. The last time I was at a place like this was with Mike about four or five years ago…when we first got together and my life was basically in shambles. My life is not in shambles now…but I do see what he means about the drinking…

Anyhow, the rest of the weekend was devoted to patching things up and being happy and in-like. I felt like we were mostly back to normal (whatever that is in a three week old relationship).

Friday: Gay mixer night at the Supermarket for a friend’s birthday. It was super fun. Super expensive.

Saturday: Met some of Alex’s people. His friend is really cool. His wife drove me crazy. I felt really close to Alex though when we were sharing some laughs. I love when he tells stories.

Sunday: Sleeping in and brunch. Alex’s sister had us over for dinner; I met his dad. I’m not sure how I feel about him. He seemed nice enough and interesting enough…but I still don’t like how he is so flaky when it comes to Alex and Melissa.

Today: I’m sick. I have caught the aforementioned plague that Alex had all last week. That’s what I get for playing nurse.

Listening to “Horizon” by Rachael Yamagata
Reading The Yiddish Policemen’s Union by Michael Chabon

downed city

Today was an average sort of day. I went to class. Had an editorial meeting. Worked like a fiend on an article I’m writing. Then I came home and had a giant panic attack. I’m not sure what sparked it.

I suddenly felt glued to my couch; everything was wrong with the world. My heart was racing and I broke into a sweat. I wanted to cry for no reason I could name.

I texted Alex to let him know I was feeling out-of-sorts and wouldn’t be coming over this evening. He got on MSN and we exchanged messages. I can’t really articulate how I was feeling besides what I’ve written in the lines above…and I guess he thought I was pulling some girly shit or something because he basically told me I shouldn’t come over if I was that upset.

This was not the response I was hoping for. When I get like that I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is fine and that I’m a good person. I felt like he didn’t want to deal with this or try and understand it. He abruptly left MSN citing “Dude, I’m fuckin’ sick. I’m going to go lay down.” And yeah, he’s had a cold for a few days, and I made him soup and babied him. When he was upset about his dog, I was there. I just needed him to tell me to come over or tell me he was coming over and that everything was fine. That’s it. Nothing else.

I texted him telling him that there was no need to be upset with me because I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad…it’s just how I get once in a blue moon. I freak out. I lose my shit, temporarily. Then I’m fine. I tried explaining this, but I guess I did a crap job of it. He used the term “crisis laden.” That pissed me off.

This little misunderstanding made me even more upset. I went out.

Alex called to make sure we were okay. And we are. I’m just…disappointed that he didn’t know what to do. Why would he?

Adam picked me up and we drove around eating Burger King and listening to DJ Shadow. We went back to his place and I watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force while he grabbed his folks from the airport. I am feeling much better now. It was good to get out of the house and to stop wallowing.

Listening to “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” by The Dropkick Murphys
Reading the latest issue of Death + Taxes

it’s common (but we don’t talk about it)

When is it appropriate to disclose your medical history to a significant other?

In December I went out with a fellow a few times, things were very casual. By very casual I mean they weren’t physical in any way, shape, or form. On date three he told me had HPV, the kind that causes warts. I felt really bad for him, but really thankful that he had been adult-enough to come clean, so to speak. It must be really hard to have an elephant like that in the room – especially because it’s not something that goes away. As much as I appreciated his honesty, I wondered why he had felt the need to tell me. From my perspective, things were plateauing in the friend zone, never to reach any sort of romantic zenith.

Last Thursday I told Alex about my stint with flesh-eating disease. I was twelve and had an infection in my leg that got really bad. Had I let it go any longer, I might only have one leg from here to ya-ya. But that seems more like a campfire story than a sharing of medical history. It was a temporary thing that was cleared up with a scalpel and some pills. What about those ailments we live with on a day-to-day?

I haven’t told Alex that I’ve been to (and still should be in) therapy. I haven’t talked about the diagnoses of bi-polar disorder that I’ve disregarded for the last 8 years or the struggles with alcohol abuse and self-destructive behaviour generally. I haven’t told him how bad I can get…and I’m not sure if I will, but that’s perhaps because things are on an up-swing. It could also be because I don’t think he’ll really care…in fact, I think he might understand.

But how different are mental health issues from sexual health issues. The reason why we divulge that we have STIs or STDs to a partner is because they are in danger of being infected. That is to say, their lives will potentially be changed because of it. How is mental health any different? If I decide to go on a week-long bender and not remember exactly what occured or how I managed to out-run the cops or an angry lynch-mob, doesn’t that affect my partner? Couldn’t it change them…or change the dynamic or our relationship…irreparably?

What if my feeling the need to go into my mental health history with Alex is a way of trying to excuse inappropriate behaviour. A way of saying “you can’t blame me, it’s my untreated condition.” Maybe by keeping him in the dark I’m placing more responsibility on myself to keep my behaviour in check, I am going to be held accountable.

Listening to “Forces of Victory” by Gogol Bordello
Reading the latest issue of Bitch Magazine
Photo http://flickr.com/photos/self_za/847566228/

why did we ever meet?

So I have been mostly absent. Bad blogger. Well, I’m generally not the best of bloggers because my blog is very Seinfieldian as it’s about nothing…

I have been having a wicked awesome time lately, let me break it down for you:

Thursday of last week: Checked out the Tattoo Rock Parlour. Alex’s co-worker was playing. Their band was not my style of music, but it was a good show. Much alcohol was consumed during the set. I liked the venue so much I’m having my birthday party there next month. Still attempting to make reservations…hopefully that pans out.  Alex had a funny TTC moment that I won’t write about, but let’s just say makeshift bathrooms are hilariously awesome.

Friday of last week: Alex and I decide to have a night in, it went something like this:
pot + pizza + early muppets on Johnny Carson + a too small couch

Saturday: My friend Colleen’s birthday at the Bier Markt. Great turn out. The lead singer of the cover band was this really old yoga guru fellow…he kept grabbing his penis…and the penises…penii? of his band mates, hilarity ensued. Alex met my best friends and a lot of my other people. Everyone thought he was great and he seemed to reciprocate those good vibes. I wore a fabulous argyle dress and bright pink and white flowers in my hair, see below (I’m on the right).

New tattoo: An American Goldfinch on my pelvic/hip/stomach region on my left side. It took two hours…and it was even more painful that the sensitive area under my arm…I was starting to get shaky and wimpy after an hour and a half. I didn’t whine though. That would have been more undignified than having my pants pulled down and covered in saran wrap. It’s incredibly bruised and swollen right now…but I can tell that the colour and the tattoo itself are going to be badass.

Sunday: I met Alex’s family. I loved them. I brought wine. They loved me. We’re doing it again next Sunday.

My computer died this weekend, so mum and dad are getting me a new laptop for my birthday…but the goods are being delivered later this week.

One issue with Alex, and it’s not a big deal, but it isn’t sitting right with me: He is adamant that I keep my armpits shorn. Generally I don’t…but it seems like such a small request…but part of me wants to rebel and just do it and tell him to shave his own if he likes them that way. The politics of body hair removal: round 1.

Other than that, things are swimming along. By swimming, I mean white-water rapid-pace. I almost said that I loved him on Saturday! I was very “in-the-moment,” it felt cinematic. I just want to hang out with him all the time…but I’m afraid I’m going to be construed as clingy and annoying, because I probably am.

une annee sans lumiere

I like him way too much. It is terrifying and exhilerating. I fucking love this feeling. I thought butterflies like this were over for me…whatever part of me that produces them seems to have mended itself.

The skinny:

Alex is 27, 28 on May 27. He grew up in the town next to my hometown. He works in music, and he went to school for audio engineering. He plays guitar, bass, drums, trombone, and something else, as well as being able to sing. He’s smart and funny, ambitious, really family-oriented, independent, and (to me at least) a little dangerous. He’s totally heart-on-sleeve, or maybe just full-of-shit. I don’t think he is, but I’m kind of preparing myself for the let down when things turn out to be too good to be true. Because he’s that amazing. Oh, and on a shallower note – he’s super hot. He has dark hair and dark eyes, is my height, has lots of tattoos (more to come, as is the usual story), and he looks awesome nekked.

I won’t lie: I have not had this much sex since…well, since ever.

This week:

School + work tonight, school + volunteering tomorrow night,  Wednesday = school + work, Thursday I’m making Alex dinner (after school, of course), Friday I’m at my internship from 9:30 to 4:30, and Saturday is Colleen’s birthday party (Alex is coming too).

Also:

Buying a domain name for the online magazine that I’m starting. It should be launching in early-Spring of this year. More details when I have them. Tattoo should be drawn up soon, appointment in early February.

Listening to “Daggers Through the Heart of St. Angeles” by Alexisonfire

sunday morning

My cousin’s wedding was yesterday. It was a beautiful and short ceremony. I think there was about 100 guests. I had a great time. My date, Alex, was wonderful. He seemed to fit in like he had been around forever. I danced so hard I broke my dress. The couple was totally beautiful and eventually stopped looking terrified. The food was delicious and the bar was open. It was a really great event. I love my family so much that it hurts. They are just good people.

I’m really happy.

Listening to “Youthless” by Beck
Photo http://flickr.com/photos/tudorache/403539944/

yeah yeah

recommendation

To Those of You Who May Be Concerned,

Please stop. I go to school full-time. I work at two part-time jobs, as well as holding a volunteer position (that might be two volunteer positions by the end of tomorrow, we shall see), and a part-time internship at a prestigious publishing house. I also manage to squeeze in a social life and make time for my family. I am a perfectly functional person, in fact, I might say “hyper-functional,” if I were a ponce, but I’m not, so I won’t. I have good friends and lots of acquaintances (that appear to like me, really like me). My bad habits are under control. I pay my rent. I help old ladies with their groceries. There is no reason to be concerned.  If I am short with you or a bit jaded, please consider my sleeping habits and the list of activities above. I’m not depressed so much as I’m exhausted.

M.S. Canary

sweet and tender hooligan

My dinner and movie date went well. We grabbed a quick bite then headed to the theatre; on the way we were accosted by a camera crew and interviewed about the cold. It was funny because we saw them down the street and were joking about all of the funny things we would do on camera…when we were interviewed we were painfully normal, lest we appear fucked up to the entire world.

He is a really hard cat to read. He invited me out to his staff Christmas party tonight, but I haven’t heard from him. We hug at the end of our dates now, and I would be okay with it if he kissed me, but he hasn’t tried. I think I might be in the friend zone. We shall see.

In other news:
I purchased tickets to see Cut Copy in March – for $15!

Listening to “Ever Fallen in Love” by Nouvelle Vague
Reading I Was Told There’d Be Cake by Sloane Crosley

all fired up

Today I interviewed Alice Klein, founder and CEO of NOW Magazine. I felt it went really well. I’m checking out my tape recorder though…and I am not sure if I actually taped the interview…Let’s hope I did. Thankfully I took notes. I’ll deal with this when I get back from work.

I booked an appointment to get a new tattoo designed at Yonge Street Tattoos. It’s a female owned and operated shop. I’m getting an American Goldfinch on my left shoulder (front, not back). I have a number of drawings of finches in flight, I think it’s going to look pretty rad. I’ll post pics when that happens. I have to run back there right now before work because I forgot all forms of payment on my desk…which is inconveniently placed in my apartment and not the tattoo shop.

Busy week: dinner + movie tomorrow, work Wednesday, pub night Thursday, internship starts Friday + tattoo consultation, cousin’s wedding Saturday.

Listening to “Electioneering” by Radiohead
Reading I Was Told There’d Be Cake by Sloane Crosley